Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Catholicism, Masturbation, and You

In my more wayward and naive youth, I was a pretty devout catholic.  In fact, I was the vice president of my catholic youth group.  What can I say, I never questioned the beliefs handed down to me as a child, and I enjoyed the comfort that the church offered me.

Around my high school sophomore year, another National Catholic Youth Conference was taking place in Houston, Texas, and I was pumped!  Not only were 22,000 young catholics going to congregate in the Texans' Stadium, but one of those people would definitely be a young attractive girl willing to date a closeted, 200 pound, pre-pubescent, high school thespian.

NCYC (as we in the biz used to call it) was in many ways, the only conference I've ever been to.  Not only did they have scheduled classes, but they had many at the same time, so you got to pick your favorite topic and attend that class.

The most popular class by far had been labelled to be about sex.

And it was lectured by some really catholic ex-MTV's real world contestant.

So my friends and I had to attend.  It turned out that super-famous-ex-real-world-contestant's speech wasn't about sex, but was about masturbation, and the harmful effects that pleasuring oneself can cause.

*Actual threat from this lecture*  I know that porn distorts the way you think about bodies, but still...

Super-famous-ex-real-world-contestant went on to say that he was a reformed masturbator and hadn't spanked his monkey in over 3 years.  3 YEARS, PEOPLE.  Priests succumb to their urges to rape children waaaay before that!

So how did super-famous-ex-real-world-contestant do (or that is to say, didn't do) it?!  Well, lucky for us, he shared his special secret: he wrote letters.

He said that every time he felt like he wanted to masturbate (aka, popped a raging boner) he wrote a letter to his future wife.

And then on his wedding night, they consummated, and then he handed the boxfuls of letters that he had written to his wife as his wedding gift.


And then his talk was over.  Everyone applauded and yelled and loved his speech.  I did too.  It was very moving at the time.  I made it two weeks before relapsing in sin.  I didn't write letters to my future... spouse, I guess... and now I'm a chronic masturbator.

Of course, now I know how stupid 100% of that was.  Masturbation has been proved time and again to be mentally and physically healthy, especially for males.  The Roman Catholic church continues to deny science and bury themselves deeper into tradition, which will only lead to failure, but this is not the time and place to delve into that garbage heap of opinion.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Bonding over bird poop

Around my freshman year of high school, I was helping my dad put up the sign on his new medical clinic in our hometown.

It was late fall in Iowa and we were surrounded by crows.

When my dad started drilling the sign into place, the noise startled them and they began to fly in a giant murder-y swarm above our heads.  When I moved to the safety of the overhang, my dad, incredulous, asked, "Rob, since when have you been afraid of birds?!"