Monday, December 3, 2012

The Forever Lazy

On December 1, 2012, my life changed forever.  And like a Lite-Brite that helped shape my childhood, this was also due to a commercial product.

I went shopping at Big Lots on this fateful Saturday and walked away $119.00 poorer.  Ten of those dollars went into the purchase of a Forever Lazy, which is essentially a Snuggie that you wear.  BUT it's a wearable Snuggie that has a butt flap and pee zipper, so YOU NEVER HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF.

I'm writing this on December 3rd, after work, because for some god forsaken reason, Forever Lazys are not work appropriate attire.  But just two days after I purchased it, I am fully endorsing the Forever Lazy as a golden investment.

Forewarning: the commercials are a bit tacky:

But the forever lazy outstrips the Snuggie ten fold.  Not only is it a blanket you can use your arms in, but it is a blanket that you can move your whole body in!  Amazing!

I do wish I would be on the Marketing team though.  Obviously, the makers of Forever Lazy do not use it correctly.  In every picture I see in which a model is wearing a forever lazy, they are wearing clothes as well.  This is the wrong way to wear a Forever Lazy.  The correct way is to strip off as many clothes as humanly possible and jump into your Adult-Onezie and feel as much of the pre-washed fleece on your genitals as possible.  Trust me you guys.

I've also started to come up with excuses to wear a Forever Lazy at any time of the day, regardless of the fact that wearing a Forever Lazy will render your image to look like the demon spawn of an Oompa Loompa and a Smurf.  Feel free to use these at your will:

  • "Well, it's noon, which means it's 5 hours until it's dark out.  Better get ready."
  • "Well, it's before noon, so I better wear my Forever Lazy until it's time to get dressed."
  • "Well, it's night time, so I better wear my Forever Lazy just in case I get too tired to wear pajamas."
  • "My forever lazy has mustard stains all over it... but it'll be ok, it's not like I'm out in public."
  • "People keep staring at my mustard stains, but maybe that's just in my head and they are all secretly jealous of how warm and comfortable my genitals are right now."