Monday, March 26, 2012


In my never ending quest to speak my very own idiotic language, I tend to name my inanimate possessions.  There are two rules that I have when naming things.  1: It either has to be expensive or rare. 2: Once named, it is an extension of family no matter how much I hate it.  For instance:

Homer the cellphone:

He's named Homer because he's short, fat, and stupid.  And apparently looks for those traits in women.

But most of the time, I love my family of objects.

Sydney the car:

Doris the iPod:
I knew as soon as I got it that a new iPod would reveal itself the next month, making Doris seem ancient and clunky, so I gave it an old lady name so neither of us would feel bad.
Jenny the computer:

Jenny is the name of my first ever crush.  I lovingly bestowed the moniker upon my computer.  Easily my closest family member.

But Robanese doesn't end with naming things.  I give really annoying nicknames to things I do daily.  Take for instance, my new job.  Every 2 hours, we have to go around and take all of our clients' vitals (blood pressure, blood alcohol level, pulse, etc) and it's easily everyone's least favorite chore.  These people are drunk and obnoxious and HATE us, the staff.  But instead of admitting that this is a thorn in my side, I get super enthusiastic when it's time to do vitals.  I get up in everyone's face and say

I'm sure everyone really appreciates it.

On the other hand, the more fluent I get in Robanese, the less I tend to understand the English language.  Like last week, when I was dicking around on my computer and a commercial for Trojan condoms came on the TV.

What actually occurs in the commercial:

What I heard and imagined:

I really debated adding the blood to the mouth.  I did it because it's gross and hilarious and vaginas suck.
So now it's become a slight obsession and entrepreneurial effort on my part to create animal skin print condoms.  I think it will be a big hit with people who like role playing that their penis is a ferocious creature.  So pretty much me, Lady Gaga, probably Justin Bieber, and definitely Johnny Depp.