Monday, February 20, 2012

World War III: Battle of the Breakfasts

In case some of you aren’t aware, there is a war going on.  A world war.  However, the only weapons being used are through means of facebook.  I’m referring of course, to poking.  There are only 2 sides of any poke war, Good and Evil.  I have been fighting the same battle for over 5 years now, and I’m never backing down.  You see, I’m singlehandedly the general, commander, and army of the “good” side for the Battle of the Breakfasts.

Many years ago, I was working at the KOA campground about 5 miles from my house.  It was a really fun job, and I loved my coworkers and bosses.  I worked with 2 other girls about my age Chelsey and Caitlyn.  Often, our bosses wouldn’t need to be in the store with us because we’d be able to run the day-to-day tasks without supervision.

Caitlyn, Me, and Chelsey.  The enthusiastic workers of the KOA.
On one such day, Chelsey and I were working, but it was extremely slow.  So we talked and joked, and just hung out, like any such teenager working a job would do.  Eventually, the subject came upon breakfast foods.  (It was a really slow day.)  I said, “I know there’s not even a need to say this, but waffles are like the billionaire CEOs of breakfasts, while pancakes are like the thousandaire Laundromat owners of breaksfasts.”

Chelsey laughed, and then looked at me curiously.  “Wait, you’re serious?”

“Very serious,” I said.

“No!  Pancakes are 6000 times better than waffles will ever be,” she demanded.

Needless to say, the argument ensued.  I brought up many great points, and I will list them for you.  And she brought up some really lousy points, which I will also list.


Reason 1: People get waffle irons for wedding gifts, not pancake irons.

Reason 2: Waffles embrace toppings by allocating syrup and butter into perfect inground pools

Reason 3: Waffle/ice cream sandwiches are the best things on the planet

Reason 1:  Waffle houses are the degenerate inbred cousins of IHOPs—this is the only valid point I’m accepting.

Reason 2: Pancakes can be wrapped around things – she totally meant crepes, and therefore, shitty answer

Reason 3: You can put blueberries and chocolate chips in pancakes – and you can’t in waffles, why?

I get that I'm sort of abusing the right to use Jeffrey, the hipster goldfish, but I had no idea what to draw for this one.
Soon, our argument became cyber violent.  We started writing on each other’s facebook walls.  Hurling insult after insult at each other’s preferred breakfast.  There was no getting through to this girl.  I had to send in the big guns.  I poked her.  What I didn’t expect (though I probably should have) was that she had plenty of capability to poke back.  Damn you, Zuckerburg.

We’ve been at it ever since.  I literally poked her 5 minutes ago.  Then I wrote on her wall, giving her fair warning about this article.  I doubt she’ll survive the battle.  Good always conquers evil.  And waffles are always better than pancakes.