Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Hair Chronicles Part 1


I have never really cared much about my hair.  I hate when it’s too long, and it’s never really been too short for my tastes… except once… and I’ll be getting to that.  As you can imagine, someone with very low esteem for their hair isn’t about to go spend $20 on a new haircut.  So, I cut my own hair.  Or, if there’s a roommate or friend around, I upgrade and bully them into doing it.

There are many stories about my hair, and I will go over them throughout time on this blog.  I dub them the Hair Chronicles.  This is Hair Chronicle Part 1.

The Friar Tuck

My freshman year in college, I lived on this really tight-knit dorm floor called Barker.  We pretty much did everything together, and participated in a lot of Iowa State’s activities together.  In the late winter of every year, Iowa State’s radio station has this really extravagant game called Kaleidoquiz.  They air questions every 7 minutes, and each team may use any and every resource to find the answer.  On top of that, every hour the radio station has an activity to achieve for extra major bonus points.

It goes on for 24 hours, so at around 3 AM, they announced that it was time for a scavenger hunt.  They needed an assortment of items, like a passport with at least 3 different countries stamped into it, and they needed an assortment of people, like “someone to swallow a goldfish” and “someone with a friar tuck haircut”.

Well, I had been thinking that my hair had been getting pretty long, and as someone who didn’t care about their hair, I thought I would be the perfect specimen to get a friar tuck haircut and earn their team some super bonus points (10!).  Plus, I could always just buzz it off.

I announced to the team that I was willing to make the ultimate follicle sacrifice, and immediately, every woman in the room tried to talk me out of it.  I ignored their rebuffs, and asked the room if they had some electric shavers available.  The only ones offered happened to be the kind you shave your face with.  I learned the hard way that these should never be used on your head.

We ended up shaving my hair in the correct pattern, and our friend John volunteered to swallow a goldfish.  The perfect combo needed to pull into the lead of Kaleidoquiz.  We got in the car and drove to walmart to buy a goldfish.  I personally picked out the fish (a mistake) and named it Jeffrey (a bigger mistake) and gave him character attributes (a fatal mistake).  You see, Jeffrey was a small town fish who traveled to the Ames Walmart to live his big/small city dreams of being a koi fish.  He saw too many of his friends settle into a life of 3 second memory spans and fish flakes, but Jeffrey knew better.

Jeffrey was going to achieve something with his life.  He was going to watch every episode of The Office.  He was going to go organic.  He was going to become a 20 something douchebag hipster, mature a little bit, and worship Zooey Deschanel from his boring desk job.  (It’s the future of all hipster men.)

Then John swallowed Jeffrey.  And I started crying.  We got the points, but that part no longer mattered.  We were monsters.  And I was the only person who saw that.

Sorry, this story is supposed to be about hair.  Obviously, I’m still having a hard time grieving over Jeffrey.  But he was a REALLY cool fish, you guys.  Anyway, my hair was officially fucked over.  The hairs that were shaved were officially 3 millimeters long and so blonde, that I looked very bald.  And the hairs that ran around my head in a halo were about 2.5 inches long, and had to be shaved off.

So, we shaved it.  And I looked very bald.  Some people pull of that look.  I’m not one of them.  I have a very large jewish nose, and I have large ears that stick out. Normally, those traits make me look young and sorta-ugly-cute.  But with no hair, I look like I’m dying from terminal cancer.  In fact, I got a lot of pity stares from people when I was walking on campus.

Oh, and believe me, I totally used it to my advantage.  I used “I have cancer” at least 3 times in freshman classes.  It scored me a B on one of the toughest chemistry tests.

Since then, I have learned my lesson.  Yes, my hair is very versatile and looks normal no matter what happens to it, but shaving it all off is just not a smart option.  And so ends the first chapter in the stupid shit I do to my hair.

Update:  We lost Kaleidoquiz.  The winners are always honor student clubs.  And assholes.