Sunday, July 24, 2011

CDS Global- Training Week


Hey guys. So I got a new job. It's a customer service representative for CDS Global. Essentially, every single magazine in the world outsources their customer service to our company, so my job is to pretend I'm from whatever magazine they're calling about and do things like renew their subscription, change their address, listen to their life story and how Highlights magazine has corrupted the youth of America.

As you can imagine, our great species is capable of being batshit crazy, and even the batshit crazies read magazines. Then they call.

Those who know me should know that I don't respond well to bigotry. Not only will I become personally offended by any real racist/sexist/whatever else remarks, but I will confront that person, make a mental note to not speak to them again, and probably cry alone in the shower for six hours. Oh wait, that last bit happens when I eat an entire frozen pizza and watch Titanic twice in a row.

Anyway, on Friday, as part of my training, I had to sit with a customer service rep and listen to their phone calls. I sat with a nice guy named Judd. The first thing he said to me was, "Hey, rumor around here is that you're a pretty funny dude." That caught me off guard because I have indeed been cracking (work appropriate) jokes during training, and NO ONE laughs. It's been making me insane.

So Judd and I take a few calls (my contribution being a titillating conversationalist in between calls). There was a man with a subscription until 2022 who called to complain that his wife had been getting more "renewal letters" and had to be told that the magazine inserts weren't meant specifically for him, and that everyone finds them annoying. There was a woman subscribed to Ladies Home Journal who called to ask us to tell one of the authors that she was a big admirer of her work. (apparently, my ability to lie is going to come in handy here too)

But one woman called whom I wanted to hunt down and shoot. The caller ID showed she was from West Virginia. She called for Better Homes and Gardens and her tone from the get go was irate.

Caller: "Yes, hello, I'd like to cancel my subscription."
Judd: "Okay ma'am, is there any reason you no longer wish the magazine to be delivered?"
Caller: "Yes, Michelle Obama is on the cover."
Judd: "Okay, well if you want, just throw this magazine away and I'll send you an extra month."
Caller: "No. Just cancel it. I've had this magazine for over 5 years now, and I've never been so offended."
Judd: "I'm sorry to hear that ma'am, I'll cancel that right away."
Caller: "It's not just the cover that is so offensive. Did you see the picture on the inside? It's Michelle Obama with a bunch of children. And you know what? Not one of those kids were white. I think Michelle Obama is a racist."
Judd: "Well, ma'am, your subscription is cancelled, and thank you for calling Better Homes and Gardens."

I burst out laughing after the call. I suppose it's the only way I can cope with such ridiculous bigotry.

Seriously though, I wouldn't mind the US divorcing West Virginia and marrying Puerto Rico or something.