Sunday, July 24, 2011

CDS Global- Training Week

Hey guys. So I got a new job. It's a customer service representative for CDS Global. Essentially, every single magazine in the world outsources their customer service to our company, so my job is to pretend I'm from whatever magazine they're calling about and do things like renew their subscription, change their address, listen to their life story and how Highlights magazine has corrupted the youth of America.

As you can imagine, our great species is capable of being batshit crazy, and even the batshit crazies read magazines. Then they call.

Those who know me should know that I don't respond well to bigotry. Not only will I become personally offended by any real racist/sexist/whatever else remarks, but I will confront that person, make a mental note to not speak to them again, and probably cry alone in the shower for six hours. Oh wait, that last bit happens when I eat an entire frozen pizza and watch Titanic twice in a row.

Anyway, on Friday, as part of my training, I had to sit with a customer service rep and listen to their phone calls. I sat with a nice guy named Judd. The first thing he said to me was, "Hey, rumor around here is that you're a pretty funny dude." That caught me off guard because I have indeed been cracking (work appropriate) jokes during training, and NO ONE laughs. It's been making me insane.

So Judd and I take a few calls (my contribution being a titillating conversationalist in between calls). There was a man with a subscription until 2022 who called to complain that his wife had been getting more "renewal letters" and had to be told that the magazine inserts weren't meant specifically for him, and that everyone finds them annoying. There was a woman subscribed to Ladies Home Journal who called to ask us to tell one of the authors that she was a big admirer of her work. (apparently, my ability to lie is going to come in handy here too)

But one woman called whom I wanted to hunt down and shoot. The caller ID showed she was from West Virginia. She called for Better Homes and Gardens and her tone from the get go was irate.

Caller: "Yes, hello, I'd like to cancel my subscription."
Judd: "Okay ma'am, is there any reason you no longer wish the magazine to be delivered?"
Caller: "Yes, Michelle Obama is on the cover."
Judd: "Okay, well if you want, just throw this magazine away and I'll send you an extra month."
Caller: "No. Just cancel it. I've had this magazine for over 5 years now, and I've never been so offended."
Judd: "I'm sorry to hear that ma'am, I'll cancel that right away."
Caller: "It's not just the cover that is so offensive. Did you see the picture on the inside? It's Michelle Obama with a bunch of children. And you know what? Not one of those kids were white. I think Michelle Obama is a racist."
Judd: "Well, ma'am, your subscription is cancelled, and thank you for calling Better Homes and Gardens."

I burst out laughing after the call. I suppose it's the only way I can cope with such ridiculous bigotry.

Seriously though, I wouldn't mind the US divorcing West Virginia and marrying Puerto Rico or something.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Well, I got my first ever fan-mail from the website, and it consisted of "why aren't you updating more often. This is not how you get a large fanbase." Too right, fan. However, I am in the middle of writing a few articles, and I can't force this stuff out because it will seem contrived and forced, and no one will enjoy it. Not even myself.

Here are two links that will enrich your life. Most of you will have seen the first one, but my brother hadn't seen it, and he practically lives on the internet.

The second one is a song version of the first video, and frankly, it's changing my life.

A little life update for you all: I was interviewing with a company in Minneapolis. I finished 2 of 3 interviews over the phone, and they were supposed to be getting back to me yesterday. They haven't. I'm kinda crushed because this company sounded amazing, and Minneapolis sounds awesome too. Plus, you guys might not know this about me, but over-the-phone charming is something that I can pull off with flying colors. Honestly, interviewers have called me back before just to tell me how great my voice and inflection are over the phone. I guess this time the magic just wasn't there. There's still a glimmer of hope in my soul, but every time I check my empty email inbox, the glimmer gets smaller. Sad face.

On another note, I'm starting a new job on Monday at CDS Global. It will be my job to answer phones and renew magazine subscriptions. I'm glad I have a job. I'm sad that it's a job for high schoolers and retirees. Maybe I'll like it. Gotta stay optimistic.

Sorry for the whole no-picture thing. Hold on, I'll draw something real quick:

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Nails are annoying.

So Kayla criticized me last night for not writing a post in 3 weeks. Well fuck. Guys, there isn’t a lot going on with my life. You don’t get a lot of inspiration by sitting around on the couch all day, applying to jobs and doing an occasional interview. I COULD write about all of those things, but I have the impression it would turn into whiney bullshit, and if you were reading my blog for that, I suggest you click on the “next blog” tab (or go to Kayla’s blog), because most people’s blogs are about their whiney-bullshit life.

So today I will write about my fingernails. I feel like I can never keep mine clean! Even after I clean them, the next time I see them they look like I’m been picking the assholes of baboons for hours.

So I cut them about once a week. It’s annoying having to cut them without having a satisfying white part, but hygiene comes first, and more importantly, HR representatives never hire people with dirty nails.

(yes, I’m aware this blog post is a complaint about my nails. Whiney bullshit for life!)