Saturday, May 14, 2011

Warning: A lot of poop humor.

Today I was presenting myself with a hypothetical situation, like I often do when I'm bored. This hypothetical I posed was asking what time period I would most like to live in. I first picked the future. I can't get enough stimulation in today's society, and I literally am waiting with bated breath for the eventual Apple product that I can just LIVE IN for the rest of my life.

But then I thought, “What if the future and present aren’t allowed in this hypothetical?” So I picked the time period I would be semi-happy in: The Middle Ages.

Don’t get me wrong, the Middle Ages suuuucked, and usually when someone mentions this time period, all I can think about is the layers of excrement everyone was living in. They literally lived in shit. They threw it out their windows into streets. So. Much. Poop.

In fact, here’s what I imagine a street conversation back then would be like:

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As you can see, the life expectancy wasn’t supes high, and I would probably have already died. Though I also need to admit that I have no idea how people talked in the Middle Ages, so you just got my best guess. I also made an Oregon Trail reference. Hope you enjoyed it.

So why would I want to live back then? Three words: Middle Ages diet. The food.

Here’s a little Rob trivia: If I could only have 2 foods of multiple varieties (like apple variations such as red delicious or granny smith) they would be bread and cheese. Cheese and Bread! I love me some cheese and bread.

So the middle ages have lots of cheese and bread. Big deal, right? Why wouldn’t I pick the 60s, with all the modern day drugs, bread, meth, and cheese I could want?? Because of this extra bit of knowledge I will lay down on you:

It was considered very attractive to be pale and fat. It signified great wealth and honor when you didn’t bear the markings of a commonplace farmer (tan and thin).

So this is why my choice is Middle Ages. I would sit in a dark room filled with Breads and Cheeses, maybe some terrible tasting wine. I would engorge myself. I would get laid often for this lifestyle. I will have a single window in this room to toss my excrement into the street. Life will be grand.